Saturday, April 17, 2010

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I did a little browsing and found out that

It's time to get a little active
I browse some post to keep intact my motives
I've seen myself a follower
I've been a fan, now I have to be more of a lover

though I have been a lover but somehow I have lost
I regret for pushing my hunn in the situation she hated the most
I say words back then are treasure chest
I hate myself making it a pain in the chest

18th birthday, we're chained and hourglass, I read it all
before this day ends makes me shiver once more
I will be the one who make you wrote those again
I will be the one to make you feel that way again

In times like this, I know I'll read your piece
It gives me an idea how it is
to bethe one you always liked, ME
the one that you love, ME

A little Idea, A quick view on WHY.

First I didn't make this post to judge you hunn, I just got this thought in my mind trying to understand things that you're doing and what things may have influence or cause you to do that. THIS IS NOT THE TRUTH, this is just my opinion on you on why you act like that in some certain situation. I repeat I didn't intend to offend you this is just my opinion, if ever I may offend you, I am really sorry, I apologize I didn't intend to this is just my observation and my deduction of the situation.

Let me start and state things;

Firstly, Growing up without a father figure must have been hard and it really affected you, not only on the way you grow up but also on how you perform in such relationships. Having a father by yourside while you grow up I think must cause you to have a very different influence, a different personality perhaps. A different view on things. What father brings on a home is toughness and order and I do agree there are some holes a mother cannot fill up like the father does but give credit to your mother, you are what you are now because of her and I know she tried all she can to fill those holes but there's just such things that only a father can do. Seeing your father leaves you and your family is hard, very hard. But What I think is it implements an idea that everything come and goes, for sure you didn't want him to leave but things happen he has to leave you and there's nothing you can do about it. So there's the idea, so I have come up that you don't want to be the one being leaft behind but instead you will always be the one who'll be the first to leave because you know the pain of being left behind, or having someone so close to you leaves you cause a unexplainable sadness. And yeah, definitely you're completely different growing up with a father. So it must have been a factor. But I got nothing with it, I like what you are now, I am yet to see the whole you there's a lot of things that I haven't seen yet.

Secondly, pardon me for reinstating but you have told me this you really have a bad history or a bad orientation being in a relationship. And I think that's personal for me, so Fuck you to that douche who introduced you what relationship is. oh well back, From there what I think it triggers the "I'm gonna leave" scenario. From that it continues up to now, it strengthens your grip that it's better for you to be the one leaving than the one being left behind. I don't know how those people from your past deals with it, but I do know the feeling that it's very tough once you're in that scenario. I admit at first I didn't know that you have it in you, but once I learned that you're like that I tend to be careful at times extra careful. Past relationships, you break you learn, and you leave.

lastly, I'm not making up your history as an excuse for the real cause of the problem is me. I promised something different at first and something different is what you want and what you like because that's the point of it you've chosen me to have another better than the previous ones. It should be better, I should be its what you expect and not having it is such a disappointment. Not being able to live up to your expectations is something you tend to disappoint, and its much disappointing that Once I have live up your expectations and as time goes by it fades, and those expectations are now just pure expectations because suddenly the one who once always deliver began to fade and just simply lost himself. As I being lost I'm not doing good and of course, you're fair if I'm good then you're good too, but in what happened I'm not. I'm not doing any good, You tend to leave for I can't be my oldself anymore. I'm paying the price of losing myself, for I'm losing the old you too. what we we're back then was so sweet to remember. So this is the situation, I know myself I'm regaining my oldself back, back to what it was. Now I'm just concerned on how to getting you back and making you believe that I'm back to my oldself after being lost in transition.

My thoughts.

I love you So much

-your hunny.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Embracing the fear and Accepting the Change you brought.

First I was a quiet man and I have nothing, nothing significant at all but myself. I live in a world where I am my world, I am the GOD am the one, the truth and I decide things that happen to me all by myself but also considering the situation and influences around me. I painted it with black and white, I block all unecessary ideals and people, no one comes close and no ones closer. It was a dictatorship, I wasn't letting myself free, I'm caging myself where there's loneliness where there's sadness, where there's numbness and I have known that. Despite the knowledge of it, I embraced it, I linger upon it, I think I liked it when I was there but it was a lie. It was a lie because I'm not happy, It was a lie because I didn't enjoy it at all, It was a lie because I was limiting myself, How can I be myself if I'm limiting it? It looks like I'm stopping me to be me. It's sad that I have to come through that before I finally let someone in. To rephrase she's not just someone, she's the light, just like a candle in a dark room or a simple spark that a match make, I can't help but to compare her into a light. Just like a light, brings hope, brings energy, brings something or color to everything, enlightens and empowers.

It was dark, I was fading, I was digging a very deep hole and bury myself in there as time arrives. I find it dull and full of crap, till time decides and you came. It was an opportunity, it was a chance of a lifetime, It triggers the feeling, the feel of need of a someone that could be my world that could change my world. Light, it's a light in a very dark place and it gives me HOPE, I cling to it. I fucking cling into it. For I know what that light brings, for I know what you brings. I grabbed the opportunity to get the light, for a very long time I felt happiness, an unexplainable happiness. I can't exchange that very moment I get the light, when I'm gone now I will have that moment as one of the best things that ever happened to my life. That's something significant. I'm happy the moment I got you, we're like a torch and I'm the one holding you and everything was dark but the moment we move everywhere we go there's light and once a torch now becomes the sun. I see colors, everywhere. I can clearly see the world, once I couldnt see now I can see it clearly. YOU bring the light in this dark world, you let me see things I couldn't see, feel things I coudn't feel and most importantly you let me know that in this world we don't have to be alone, YOU ARE THERE FOR ME. You taught me things I don't know, I'm very thankful, I haven't learn enough from you, I can never get enough from you, I will always be interested in you. YOU can have me in return, the best of me in return, the WHOLE me. I never wanted to lose YOU, I never wanted to lose the, LIGHT. I don't want to go back to the world before you came, I fear of change but you, you help me embrace it and taught me how to accept change. You are the greatest, You are the one I value the most. You fill the holes in me. You color this dull life. And more importantly, You showed me love where I cannot find love at all.

I love you. I just love you so much. so so much. I love you hunn you gave me hope. I love you.

Friday, April 2, 2010

you know the title.

provoking you was the design
eradicating the Obstacles was the result
anger surrounds the athmosphere
rage quietly approach us near, but still
love prevails, but anxiety remains
instead of losing, I was focused more on winning
love, lust and all but not hate we accept
over reactions, negativity, insensitvity we're still intact
vowed that we can't separate is all we can hope for
emblem of our togetherness, shivers our body
youth of this relationship shows how we get along
of course, we'll get along, the future has a lot of promises to bring
uncertainty of event sometimes, for sure we'll get by it because You have me, you'll always have me.

Friday, March 26, 2010

I let it consume me

I am consumed. I let reason consume me. I'm liking it. Reason dictates what should I feel towards a certain object. Is it awkward? no? is it normal? No, But it's me. A few have gone to choose this path I have realized there's no darkness or light in the path you take, what's there is a path, it's just the path leading to where you want to be. For some, there are what they call "standards" for what's good and what's bad, that's why they have the law but by looking into it you'll realize it just complicates everything and after all is said and done you'll ask does the end really justify all the means? However, I say good is how you define it. If you think it's good then it is, it's not being unreasonable it's being somewhat selfish and that's reasonable. You don't have to lean on the majority just to have someone being on your side to fight for your principle. You can stand alone and fight for your principles. You can live with it, it doesn't matter if they think it's right or wrong, It is what it is, It is how you view it. The beauty in it is because YOU made it. It is the self, your choice, your will. Reason is all we have, Reason what differentiate us. I can do what I want. I have my reasons. You may think I'm not reasonable but the truth is I based all my decisions on my reasons. I am consumed I want to be like this, I want to give reason to everything. I'm somewhat addicted on how the people reason. I want to understand people, their reasons. I'll let my reasons define me. I chose this path. The path of reason.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I'm too afraid to ask

I wanted to ask you, but I'm afraid to know what will be your answer. It always bothers me.
I also think that maybe I just don't want to ask you this because I don't want to accept a result that i didn't want.
For everything I did wrong, I'm sorry. I know I made you cry, I've been a liar. I said that I won't make you cry but what I did was to make you do it over and over again. I can't follow that good example, you know its a pain to me to know that I am the one who's capable and who's that good at making you cry. How contradicting because I personally always wanted to avoid it but it somehow end that way, there's something wrong with me. The problem is I don't know what's wrong, I'm like guessing a very hard riddle given the clues but still can't deliver. It's like I can't get the right formula. Despite that, I wanted you to know that I won't stop till I find that, I won't stop till all I can get you are all smiles. I always wanted the best for us. I want to go there without hurting you in the process.

Now let me tell you this, with all the crying all the wrong things I've done, I come in to think that you hated me.

But I wanted it to come from you,

Do you hate me?