A little Idea, A quick view on WHY.

First I didn't make this post to judge you hunn, I just got this thought in my mind trying to understand things that you're doing and what things may have influence or cause you to do that. THIS IS NOT THE TRUTH, this is just my opinion on you on why you act like that in some certain situation. I repeat I didn't intend to offend you this is just my opinion, if ever I may offend you, I am really sorry, I apologize I didn't intend to this is just my observation and my deduction of the situation.



Let me start and state things;



Firstly, Growing up without a father figure must have been hard and it really affected you, not only on the way you grow up but also on how you perform in such relationships. Having a father by yourside while you grow up I think must cause you to have a very different influence, a different personality perhaps. A different view on things. What father brings on a home is toughness and order and I do agree there are some holes a mother cannot fill up like the father does but give credit to your mother, you are what you are now because of her and I know she tried all she can to fill those holes but there's just such things that only a father can do. Seeing your father leaves you and your family is hard, very hard. But What I think is it implements an idea that everything come and goes, for sure you didn't want him to leave but things happen he has to leave you and there's nothing you can do about it. So there's the idea, so I have come up that you don't want to be the one being leaft behind but instead you will always be the one who'll be the first to leave because you know the pain of being left behind, or having someone so close to you leaves you cause a unexplainable sadness. And yeah, definitely you're completely different growing up with a father. So it must have been a factor. But I got nothing with it, I like what you are now, I am yet to see the whole you there's a lot of things that I haven't seen yet.

Secondly, pardon me for reinstating but you have told me this you really have a bad history or a bad orientation being in a relationship. And I think that's personal for me, so Fuck you to that douche who introduced you what relationship is. oh well back, From there what I think it triggers the "I'm gonna leave" scenario. From that it continues up to now, it strengthens your grip that it's better for you to be the one leaving than the one being left behind. I don't know how those people from your past deals with it, but I do know the feeling that it's very tough once you're in that scenario. I admit at first I didn't know that you have it in you, but once I learned that you're like that I tend to be careful at times extra careful. Past relationships, you break you learn, and you leave.

lastly, I'm not making up your history as an excuse for the real cause of the problem is me. I promised something different at first and something different is what you want and what you like because that's the point of it you've chosen me to have another better than the previous ones. It should be better, I should be its what you expect and not having it is such a disappointment. Not being able to live up to your expectations is something you tend to disappoint, and its much disappointing that Once I have live up your expectations and as time goes by it fades, and those expectations are now just pure expectations because suddenly the one who once always deliver began to fade and just simply lost himself. As I being lost I'm not doing good and of course, you're fair if I'm good then you're good too, but in what happened I'm not. I'm not doing any good, You tend to leave for I can't be my oldself anymore. I'm paying the price of losing myself, for I'm losing the old you too. what we we're back then was so sweet to remember. So this is the situation, I know myself I'm regaining my oldself back, back to what it was. Now I'm just concerned on how to getting you back and making you believe that I'm back to my oldself after being lost in transition.

My thoughts.

I love you So much


-your hunny.
A

Embracing the fear and Accepting the Change you brought.

First I was a quiet man and I have nothing, nothing significant at all but myself. I live in a world where I am my world, I am the GOD am the one, the truth and I decide things that happen to me all by myself but also considering the situation and influences around me. I painted it with black and white, I block all unecessary ideals and people, no one comes close and no ones closer. It was a dictatorship, I wasn't letting myself free, I'm caging myself where there's loneliness where there's sadness, where there's numbness and I have known that. Despite the knowledge of it, I embraced it, I linger upon it, I think I liked it when I was there but it was a lie. It was a lie because I'm not happy, It was a lie because I didn't enjoy it at all, It was a lie because I was limiting myself, How can I be myself if I'm limiting it? It looks like I'm stopping me to be me. It's sad that I have to come through that before I finally let someone in. To rephrase she's not just someone, she's the light, just like a candle in a dark room or a simple spark that a match make, I can't help but to compare her into a light. Just like a light, brings hope, brings energy, brings something or color to everything, enlightens and empowers.

It was dark, I was fading, I was digging a very deep hole and bury myself in there as time arrives. I find it dull and full of crap, till time decides and you came. It was an opportunity, it was a chance of a lifetime, It triggers the feeling, the feel of need of a someone that could be my world that could change my world. Light, it's a light in a very dark place and it gives me HOPE, I cling to it. I fucking cling into it. For I know what that light brings, for I know what you brings. I grabbed the opportunity to get the light, for a very long time I felt happiness, an unexplainable happiness. I can't exchange that very moment I get the light, when I'm gone now I will have that moment as one of the best things that ever happened to my life. That's something significant. I'm happy the moment I got you, we're like a torch and I'm the one holding you and everything was dark but the moment we move everywhere we go there's light and once a torch now becomes the sun. I see colors, everywhere. I can clearly see the world, once I couldnt see now I can see it clearly. YOU bring the light in this dark world, you let me see things I couldn't see, feel things I coudn't feel and most importantly you let me know that in this world we don't have to be alone, YOU ARE THERE FOR ME. You taught me things I don't know, I'm very thankful, I haven't learn enough from you, I can never get enough from you, I will always be interested in you. YOU can have me in return, the best of me in return, the WHOLE me. I never wanted to lose YOU, I never wanted to lose the, LIGHT. I don't want to go back to the world before you came, I fear of change but you, you help me embrace it and taught me how to accept change. You are the greatest, You are the one I value the most. You fill the holes in me. You color this dull life. And more importantly, You showed me love where I cannot find love at all.

I love you. I just love you so much. so so much. I love you hunn you gave me hope. I love you.

you know the title.

provoking you was the design
eradicating the Obstacles was the result
anger surrounds the athmosphere
rage quietly approach us near, but still
love prevails, but anxiety remains
instead of losing, I was focused more on winning
love, lust and all but not hate we accept
over reactions, negativity, insensitvity we're still intact
vowed that we can't separate is all we can hope for
emblem of our togetherness, shivers our body
youth of this relationship shows how we get along
of course, we'll get along, the future has a lot of promises to bring
uncertainty of event sometimes, for sure we'll get by it because You have me, you'll always have me.

I let it consume me

I am consumed. I let reason consume me. I'm liking it. Reason dictates what should I feel towards a certain object. Is it awkward? no? is it normal? No, But it's me. A few have gone to choose this path I have realized there's no darkness or light in the path you take, what's there is a path, it's just the path leading to where you want to be. For some, there are what they call "standards" for what's good and what's bad, that's why they have the law but by looking into it you'll realize it just complicates everything and after all is said and done you'll ask does the end really justify all the means? However, I say good is how you define it. If you think it's good then it is, it's not being unreasonable it's being somewhat selfish and that's reasonable. You don't have to lean on the majority just to have someone being on your side to fight for your principle. You can stand alone and fight for your principles. You can live with it, it doesn't matter if they think it's right or wrong, It is what it is, It is how you view it. The beauty in it is because YOU made it. It is the self, your choice, your will. Reason is all we have, Reason what differentiate us. I can do what I want. I have my reasons. You may think I'm not reasonable but the truth is I based all my decisions on my reasons. I am consumed I want to be like this, I want to give reason to everything. I'm somewhat addicted on how the people reason. I want to understand people, their reasons. I'll let my reasons define me. I chose this path. The path of reason.

I'm too afraid to ask

I wanted to ask you, but I'm afraid to know what will be your answer. It always bothers me.

I also think that maybe I just don't want to ask you this because I don't want to accept a result that i didn't want.

For everything I did wrong, I'm sorry. I know I made you cry, I've been a liar. I said that I won't make you cry but what I did was to make you do it over and over again. I can't follow that good example, you know its a pain to me to know that I am the one who's capable and who's that good at making you cry. How contradicting because I personally always wanted to avoid it but it somehow end that way, there's something wrong with me. The problem is I don't know what's wrong, I'm like guessing a very hard riddle given the clues but still can't deliver. It's like I can't get the right formula. Despite that, I wanted you to know that I won't stop till I find that, I won't stop till all I can get you are all smiles. I always wanted the best for us. I want to go there without hurting you in the process.

Now let me tell you this, with all the crying all the wrong things I've done, I come in to think that you hated me.

But I wanted it to come from you,

Do you hate me?

2010 goals

Di na uso ang new year's resolution aminin na natin sa mga sarili natin na hindi naman tlga natin nababago lahat ng gusto nating baguhin kung mag rereflect ka matapos ang taon marerealize mo lang na wala ka ngang nabago sa sarili mo though sa iba nag wowork naman pero sa totoo lang karamihan eh nakikiayon lang sa laging ginagawa ng karamihan: ang mag karoon ng new year's resolution. Dahil sa mga ganyang reasons naisipan kong huwag ng tangkilikin ang new year's resolution subalit naka isip rin naman ako ng bago kong agenda sa darating na new year, ito'y mag set ng goals na dapat i accomplish within a year. Kung titignang mabuti at iaanalyze mas maganda ang ganitong concept kaysa mag set ka ng new year's resolution. By end of year malalaman mo talaga kung may ginawa ka sa buong taon o may naacomplish ka, magkakaroon ng magandang evaluation the whole year at lahat ng goal na naabot mo eh accomplishment yun at of course yung iba kundi kaya meron pa namang coming year para i achieve yun, basta at least may ma achieve sa mga goal but of course, achieve as many as you can hindi yung pagkatapos ng isa laylow na hanggang sa nahayaan na at mawala ka sa momentum mahirap ibalik sa dating state.

Ok ang haba ng intro considering that plano ko tlga yan this year mag set ng goal starting this 2010 onwards naisip kong gawing trend ito kada new year and by year end ay i-evaluate ko kung its a good year or not. Ngayon may mangilan ngilan nako naisip na goals. That's why I made this post para ma share na din sa mga readers ng blog ko yung mangilan ngilang interesado para naman makakuha idea or baka sakaling ma motivate ko kayo na mag set din ng goal that you need to accomplish for the whole year.

Here's My list:

I need to accomplish:

Civil Service Commision Exams
CCNA - cisco exams*
Increase Vocabulary
Write My Autobiography Draft
Ipasa ang Thesis
2 as minimum grade*
Speak Fluent English
Makapag OJT sa magandang Company*

*- Iba ang level of difficulty and I have no idea kung pano magsisimula.


Of course di lang yan lahat, I consider january as the planning month pero so far yan ang mga unang pumasok sa isip ko. I hope maaccomplish ko yang mga yan bago matapos ang 2010. Happy new year mates. Set your goals!

over and out.

Year End Special

bago matapos ang taon naisipan kong mag update ng blog. Anong nilalaman?

syempre ano pa bang laman ng mga year end special kundi ang pag balik tanaw kung ano mga nangyari sa akin buong taon. Tampok dito mga highs and lows ko buong taon, masaya man o hinde kasama yun dito.



Simula ng taong 2008 wala talaga akong balak i accomplish wala akong list of activities na dapat kong tapusin wala ring kung anong bagay na dapat bilhin at wala rin akong balak makipag ugnayan sa mga tao. Tipong Come what may at Ill see what I can do ang lagay ko nun mga simula pa lang. Inaasahan ko na tlga na darating yung thesis at mga sakit sa ulo na subject pre reqs na kailangan ipasa, na may mini thesis na akala ko mahirap pero once na nalaman ko agenda ng mga profs, easy easy nlng rin naman. Yung ibang nangyari di ko na rin inaasahan, ayos din kahit papano kung irerecall ko lahat, It was a good year.

Chapter 1

january 2009 - May 2009,

second year second sem, Sadsign and Theo takot takot pa sympre mga prof diskarte nila yun para makapanakot ng estudyante para sipagin at pag handaan ang mga subjects nila para sa iba effective at para naman sa iba hindi mas lalo lang sila di ginagahan pero sakin naman wala lang. Di ako na motivate ng mga panakot nila o nanlumo man lang sa kung ano pang ipadagdag nila sa mini thesis. Pero inaamin ko nahirapan din ako salamat sa mga kagrupo kong laging idle at ako lang ang gumawa ng simple maintenance ng database, ang gagaling nila mag cheer. Ang daming gabi ring wala akong tulog ang daming araw na umaga na ako natutulog ilang cobra ang aking naubos malagpasan lang at maiahon ang mga kagrupo. Isipin mo ng exaggeration ko lang ang mga yan pero lahat yan totoo, di ako martyr kelangan ko lang tlga, para sa sarili ko rin naman yun ako rin ang babagsak pag di ko ginawa yun. Swerte nga mga kagrupo ko pasa sila walang kahirap hirap.

Tulad nga ng sabi ni Manny Villar "sipag at tyaga lang yan", tama nga naman dahil sa sipag at tyaga eh nakalagpas ako ng second year second sem. Ok na ok dahil walang sabit. As in walang sabit, walang incomplete walang bagsak walang tres(considered sabit kasi yun) wala, flawless. Napagisip isip ko minsan ok rin naman pala maging masipag at matiyaga PERO minsan lang. Matapos ang second sem mga 2 week or 1 week break ata yun, di ko na maalala pesteng STM eh pumasok ang march, Summer. Unang papasok nyan e vacation swimming or outing pero HINDE, Meron akong summer class, ayos lang naman naging summer class ko pero mas pipiliin ko pa rin ang vacation sa bahay tumambay kumain matulog hayy ang sarap ng buhay. May magandang part din naman kahit papano parang nag silbing team building naming mag kakatropa sa school yung summer kasi isang section lang lagi kami magkakasama sa mga klase iba't ibang activities lalo na sa PE mga kalokohan sa klase mas tumibay ang samahan pero in the end na realize ko rin na ayoko palang masanay ang sarili kong kasama sila. bakit? secret

Conclusion: isa to sa mga low times ko down down!

Chapter 2

June 2009 - October 2009

Ulit matapos ang isa o dalawang linggo di ko nanaman maalala, regular sem ulit. Non-stop na pagpasok yun ni minsan di ko naisipang umabsent masipag ako pumasok dahil narin sa non-stop rin ang baon kung non-stop ako papasok, yun lang ang logic nun. Masasabi ko lang malala talaga mga umpisa neto, unang una alam kong mahirap rin ang mga subject ko nung sem na yun pangalawa di ko na kaklase yung mga kaibigan ko pangatlo bago yung mga classmates ko at panghuli ay di ko rin trip ang mga classmate ko. Nung inanalyze ko at nalaman kong ganyan nga ang kalgayan ko, di naman ako pinanghinaan ng loob. Pinilit ko rin namang i set aside yang mga yan pero di ko rin tlga maiwasan maapektuhan ng mga kung ano anong elemento lalong lalo na mga kaklase ko. Di conducive to learning yung classroom pag kasama mo yung mga taong yun, di naman lahat sa kanila ganun pero kung ang majority eh mga nonsense leechers at lagi pang mga active sa panget na trip eh siguradong apektado ang buong klase at di ako yung tipong kayang mag concentrate sa tinuturo ng prof kahit na alam kong sobrang gulo na ng klase. Alam ko may pag ka alien ako pero di pa totally alien, medjo pa lang. Isa na yan sa mga factors plus meron pa akong thesis at sa kalupit lupitan eh na grupo pako sa mga astig, astig in a way na ako ang kanilang ace player astig sa dahilang ang gagaling nila mag cheer, astig din dahil nakaabot sila ng third year na kahit konting vb eh nahihirapan sila, pero ok na rin may nababato ako ng mga ideya ko kung ano gagawin kesa naman sa wala tlga. At least meron silang compliance compared dun sa mga nauna wala tlga.

November - December 2009

Masaya. Masaya. :)